


Silent Scream

by thebonnietomyclyde



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:07:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9537224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebonnietomyclyde/pseuds/thebonnietomyclyde
Summary: When Cha Hakyeon has to face the world by himself.(Written for an rp event.)





	

All it takes is the faintest click of a locked bathroom door for Hakyeon to finally break down.  
Tears that glisten with the colors of rainbow under the lights run down his cheeks as he slides down the plain surface of the door and onto the cold tiles of the floor, lower lip in between his teeth preventing even the softest of sounds to escape his mouth. He wouldn't like it if anyone heard him and knew of what is really going on during his supposedly peaceful trip to the bathroom.  
The leader of his group is meant to be strong and a support for the others, never showing his weaknesses like burned tattoos over his skin, always putting others over his own worries and frustrations. No person who's entered his life is ever allowed to see him like this.  
  
_I'm caught up in your expectations_  
  
There he was again. At it again, stepping on crushed bones, broken egg shells, upside down nails and sharp spikes, hot lava and burning coal. Entering a territory he has always knew he isn't welcomed into, but that keeps pulling him in; he insists on visiting from time to time, and it is so easy to turn away yet so hard to leave.  
  
_But I'm causing you so much frustration_  
  
Fansites. Blogs dedicated to the K-Pop male group. Performance videos. Articles with his photograph as the cover. Comments on his own official posts.  
He's seen it all.  
Heard it all.  
_Read_ it all.  
He can smell the growing contempt over his figure.  
He can taste the harshness of the words on the tip of their tongues.  
He can touch the rough texture and the sharp edges of those unwavering, cold, endless pairs of eyes that never stop coming after one of them takes their leave.  
  
_Always keep a big bright smile_  
  
How can he?  
When the first blast came, it was the most unexpected one yet he immediately could flash his white smile, reassured by the thought that lots of other people were by his side. But as time goes by and now there's ot only one, but thousands of them, everywhere, camouflaging to stand by him only to let him down, his smile can't help but falter and his muscles are already sore and tired of being forced to put on that same faux curve of his face.  
He's told himself not to pay attention to them, that the number of fans supporting him are ten times the amount of them. But there are also days, those days when the number is not important and the weigh of their words is enough to make him collapse as they multiply.  
Today is one of those days.  
  
_And the storm is rising inside of me_  
_Don't 'cha think that our worlds collide?_  
  
His mind replays all of the hateful comments he read previous moments ago as he checked his social platforms.  
_"He is so black, I can only see his eyes."_  
How his skin is not as white as snow.  
_"How did he get his spot in VIXX? He doesn't even sing that well!"_  
How his voice isn't powerful enough for him to be considered a real singer.  
_"So this is what he calls dancing? Man, I could do way better than that."_  
How the years he spent following his passion and learning to develop it were, apparently, in vain, compared to those really skilled dancers who can do popping and moves their bodies like a robot.  
_"He cares so much for his appearance, it grosses me out, ugh. Are you guys sure he isn't gay?"_  
How, in a world where body and skin care rules, he is the only one called out for it, and even repealed by it.  
_"Just saying, though."_  
And then they can easily brush it off as if they had said nothing at all.  
It happens all the time.  
This and that, here and there, all around him...  
  
_It's getting harder to breathe_  
_It hurts deep inside_  
  
And he can do nothing about it.  
He can't call them out on it or he'll be considered as one of those idols who do really care about what others think of him and everyone will then think of him as a person with a permanent facade and no such a personality as the one he truly has.  
He no longer would be a model to follow.  
He would be just a pathetic grown up yet immature brat.  
  
_It's torturing me_  
_But I can't break free_  
  
He is sure he can't do this any longer.  
Yet he chose this path as his life guide and now he has to follow it. No thing such as turning back. Whatever happens to him in the future if he dares to turn it down now will be either way affected by it.  
  
_So I cry and cry but just won't get it out_  
_The silent scream_  
  
He doesn't know how much time he's spent inside the little room of their dorm, he doesn't know when his hands had given up to the low temperature of the floor and made it their own, he doesn't know when his tongue started to taste like the copper of the blood flowing through the wound of his lip.  
He doesn't even give it a try to care about it.  
This is not N, the charismatic and always smiling leader.  
This is Cha Hakyeon, a human just like anybody else.  
  
_Tell me why you're putting pressure on me_  
_And every day you cause me harm_  
  
"Why?" He wants to ask.  
"Why?", the question that is so desperate to be released.  
Why do you do this to me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? What have I ever done to you? Could I ever make it better for you? How could I repay you? Is there any way possible for me to do so? Could I make you happy?  
Even if it's means sacrificing his own happiness for doing such.  
But no one is there to give him an answer to his demands.  
  
_That's the reason why I feel so lonely_  
_Even though you hold me in your arms_  
  
Of course, his fans are there to shield him away from the harm; protect him dearly. They are the ones to stand up for him and defend him, shooing away the haters by always mentioning how perfect he is, how he doesn't need to meet their out-of-date standards just to be accepted into human society and the music industry.  
Maybe that's the problem with him.  
He could never meet the standards he's been face to face with since he was a young child.  
  
_Wanna put me in a box of glitter_  
_But I'm just trying to get right out_  
  
Even in the sites dedicated to him, he can see them. The prejudices.  
He can see how his own so-called fans who take the bullets for him, upload edited photos of him. /Whitened/ photos of him.  
Because his color doesn't meet their standards.  
  
_And now you're feeling so, so bitter_  
_Because I've let you down_  
  
But no matter how many photos they edit, the amount of hours and effort put into them, no matter how many whitening products he could use to make their work easier, they can't close their eyes to reality. To the real him.  
Someone who cannot be like _them_.  
  
_And I hope so hard for the pain to go away_  
  
How many times has he tried to keep the thoughts away? He doesn't know.  
How many times has he had to step out into the world with a big painful smile to cover them? He can't even recall.  
How many times has the public seen this image of a boy who has found a place into their made up, perfect excuse for an utopia, and not the broken pieces inside of him that scream he has yet to fit in?  
Every. Single. Time.  
  
_Can't you see how I cry for help_  
_'Cause you should love me just for being myself_  
  
"Hyung?" A voice from the outside startles him out of his thoughts, and the knocks on the door increase the tension rising in his body, one at a time.  
He can't recognize the voice calling him yet by the title it gave him he can tell it's one of his band members.  
  
_I'll drown in an ocean_  
_Of pain and emotion_  
_If you don't save me right away_  
  
"Hyung, come out. Dinner is ready~" The male at the other side of the door tries again. "We ordered some takeout dinner, you know, from your favorite-" A gasp follows the sentence. "Oh my God, I shouldn't have said that!"  
Hakyeon smiles at the cute outburst of his band mate and the already implanted thought in his head of food for his empty stomach.  
Sobbing the tears away, and taking a deep breath, he prays with all of his might to any powerful being up there for his voice to come out clear.  
"Alright", he says in a strong, calm voice. "I'll be out in a few."  
And it sounded clear enough, he thinks, as he hears footsteps walking away from him.  
That thought still swimming around in his mind, of his friends buying his favorite dishes for him, instead of him having to prepare dinner for six people, is endearing, to say the least.  
And at that moment, it hits him.  
The realization.  
His mind clearing away of anything else as he realises he doesn't have to do anything.  
He doesn't have to make an effort all the time.  
He shouldn't have to.  
He's not the only one.  
And even if he was, it's no reason to try and bring him down.  
  
_Just let me be_  
_Who I am_  
_It's what you really need to understand_  
  
He knows there are idols like him. Idols with his same skin color, his same abilities, the same interests. But he never thought they could be suffering as much as him because of the alienation.  
He thought he was the only one.  
But turns out, he is not.  
  
We all receive blows that can make us lose our balance and fall. We are proven stronger when we stand up after each one of them is given.  
  
He is strong. He really is.

  
So with a smile on his face, he stands up and takes a couple of steps to the handwash, washes the tears away, and waits a couple of seconds for the redness at the corner of his eyes to fade away before walking out of the bathroom. He can cover it as the aftermath of a yawn and the sleepiness supposedly coming over him.  
Not as N, but as Cha Hakyeon. 

  
The captain of his own life.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this song: Silent Scream by Anna Blue/Damien Dawn.
> 
> Edit: WOW OKAY SO I EDITED THIS ONE SHOT BECAUSE IT WAS A BIT SHITTY THE FIRST TIME I UPLOADED IT LOL  
> So okay, this was written for an rp event, where I chose the topics Reality and Self-Reflection. And I decided to focus on these since, we all know, it hasn't been easy for Hakyeon to be an idol, with lots of people looking down on him and belittling (?) him. I thought it wuld be interesting to write something from Hakyeon's point of view about this delicate situation.  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for any grammatical or vocabulary error beforehand.
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated <3


End file.
